May 8, 2009

• Big Days

   

  The past few days have left me with a bit of ”overwhelmed” feelings… In some big, happy ways, and in some more sad ways.

  [Pictures are from Fishing with Daddy... Ben's idea last night after supper! It was such a gorgeous evening, the bugs weren't bad at all, which is a rare thing! I was feeling so exhausted last night, so I just sat in a camp chair and took pictures. ]

  

  

  Good overwhelming things first…

  … The love I feel from my family – mine and Ben’s! I think especially of my mother-in-law, who, the past few weeks while I have weekly midwife appointments an hour and a half away, has been so gracious to watch Zoe’ for me. She is always so cheerful and willing if my appointments are on an open day for her, and it means that most of her day is given to watching my child! Thank you so much, Mama Yoder! Zoe’ is always so excited when I tell her she’s going to Grandma’s house for the day!

  … The love that I feel from my friends. In so many different ways, all unique to the person itself. Some of them calling to see how the last few days of pregnancy are going, some offering to help on a busy yard sale weekend and watching Zoe’ so I wouldn’t have to run after her and be in charge of setup, some willingly keeping Zoe’ for the day while I ran to various appointments, and then calling me and telling me to go straight home without picking Zoe’ up at the end of the day – that I’m just to go home and take a nap! WOW, I have felt so loved and cared for by all these dear people!! I told Ben the other night that I almost don’t know how to receive all this care! It feels so big! A huge, huge thank you to everyone!

  [this was Zoe's first fishing trip, just down the road from our house at the neighbor's pond. She was as fascinated as could be!]

  

  there is a little fish in this picture!

  

  
  
  running to show mommy! she was just delighted to have the fish in her “Patty! Patty!” and to give it “eye-yay!” i think she would literally pick up any kind of critter. i don’t want her to be wimpy, but even this mommy shudders a bit when zoe’ runs and tells me she was holding a frog in her hand and was petting him!! and she’s thrilled to pieces!

  

  Some of the things that feel big in a harder way…

  … My little Baby still unborn still has not settled in a birthing position. I still have 4 days to my due date, so I’m trying not to worry, but I do know that this Little One spinning in circles so close to the time of being born is not a good thing. He/she had been head-down for a little while, but the past almost 3 weeks has been turning in a different position every day – mostly breech. My midwives have told me that only 3% of all babies actually end up staying breech until labor begins, so I’m just hoping I’m not one of the 3%! If I am though, I will have no other option but a C-section. And while I do believe there is a place for C-sections, and that they have saved many a baby and mother, that is not what I want just because my baby is breech!
     This is something I didn’t have to worry about at all with Zoe. She was head-down for months and had dropped at least a month before she was due.
     I have been wanting a water birth so much for this baby and me… That is one of the main reasons we have been driving 1.5 hours one way to the only birthing center in all of Georgia, because they offer that option and I know of no hospitals that do. I know that a C-section is not the worst thing that can happen – there are far, far worse things, and I will be grateful just for a baby that enters the world healthy and alive! But that is one thing that I have had to continually go to the Lord about, committing to trust Him no matter what happens with the birth of this child, choosing to trust Him because I cannot control anything! I have done all I know to do to turn the baby – ridiculously-embarassing exercises (!!), walking as vigorously as a full-term pregnant woman can, the chiropractor who specializes in the Webster Technique… All this leaves me to realize: I am not in control – there is Someone else who is, and I must leave my cares and worrying in His hands!

  

  after fishing for a bit, we went riding in daddy’s big truck - one of the loves of her life! just down a few dirt roads within a few miles of our house, so zoe’ was allowed to ride on daddy’s lap.

  

   

  … Been a little homesick recently. The bouts with homesickness have gotten better, but when I hear of my mom and sisters going to mother/daughter banquets and I’m not able to be there… well, that makes me cry. We haven’t been home since Christmas, so that’s probably why I feel a little sad. I’ve never gone that long before!

  … Just my own humanity and weaknesses. Knowing I am far from perfect, and as a result do hurt other people sometimes, even though I don’t want or even mean to! I can get so frustrated with myself…
     God has really met me here though, and although I feel so unworthy, He tells me I am His child – imperfect, with faults and weaknesses, bad days, and all. And He loves me. Not because I am perfect. Because I know so well I am not! And He tells me He doesn’t require perfect, only persistence. He loves me because I belong to Him, because I am His child.
     I can relate with that because I know what it’s like with my daughter. I love her not because she is the most beautiful child (although I think she is!) or because she is perfect (that she is not!) or because she makes me look good all the time (peeing on the floor when we are guests somewhere, and then her little friend slipping and falling into it! So embarassing! Anyone relate??) But I love her fiercely and forever, no matter what she does. She is mine. That’s why.
     My heart is so humbled by the realization that God my Father loves me the same way, and even more than I could love Zoe’. There is no reason He should, but He does. As unworthy as I feel to receive that love, I want to live in that reality, in that freedom…

  

  So today, I ate a fruit juice “popsy” [popsicle] with my precious daughter, who teaches me in all her innocence. Teaches me what it means to be a precious and beloved Child!

  These are big days, but they are good days. Days of learning, days of growing…

   

   

  • 4:32 pm
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