September 24, 2008
It’s been a big week.
…finding out that some of my friends here in Jesup are moving away for sure, and another friend that may be moving soon after
…finding out that my dad (as well as mom) have Lyme Disease, my dad so badly he’s hardly able to walk at times
…being incredibly homesick for my family and friends
… being youth leaders for the next year, along with Jeff & Andrea (this is something I’m excited about, although it’s a big responsibility)
…an investment property we bought that’s brought on scary legal problems
…Zoe is sick and grouchy because of teething
….along with other things that are weighty and aren’t appropriate for a public place
I was feeling such a hunger for God. For him to just sit me on his lap, like I did as a little girl with my daddy. For me to know that I’m cared about and loved by him. Lately it seems like I’ve just known it in my head, but my heart doesn’t quite believe that he really does care. That I truly matter. That it’s going to be okay.
I’ve been praying that God would show me that I am his beloved daughter. Not where I try to believe it. But where I just know in my heart of hearts. Even on the hard days when I am homesick and sad and have big things on my mind, to know that I am loved and cared for. By God.
The other night I was laying in bed, almost sleeping, when I decided I would check on Zoe one last time. She’s such a wiggler in bed, and I wanted to make sure she was covered up. In the shadowy room I could just make out her sleeping form, and my heart was overwhelmed with love for her. She’s such a precious baby. She has brought us an incredible amount of joy, and to think we were scared to death sometimes before she was born! She’s been teething and grouchy, but oh, how I love my daughter…
As I was standing there over her crib, feeling so privileged to be her mommy, to thankful for this little treasure, it was as if God spoke the words to my heart, “I love you even more than you love Zoe.” I was overwhelmed. The utter love I was feeling for Zoe’ made his words even more meaningful, and that was what my heart has been longing to know. My heart, not my head. Wow. It was such a God-moment.
It was that same night that Zoe, because of teething, woke me up every half hour of the night (no joke), and where I finally brought her to bed with me around 4am so I wouldn’t have to get up and down so many times. I laid her on my chest and she fell asleep, but she put her tiny little hand up on my cheek and kept it there, as if to say, “I just want to know that you are closeby.” I totally melted. And my heart echoed those words back to God…
That same morning, around 6 this time, she threw up violently all over my bed, on the sheets, blankets, featherbed, everything. The first time ever. I had thought I would be grossed out over that (I was going to mention what all came out but I’ll refrain), but my first thought was for my baby, caring for her, making sure she was okay… I am finding that it is such an honor to care for my sick little baby. I hate it that she’s sick, but I love taking care of her. I remember when I was a girl at home, I used to like being sick because my mom would take such good care of me and make me feel so special…
So I am not getting much done around the house, but I am enjoying these moments of a sweet blonde head laying on my shoulder, of reading books and looking at the horses…. of being taught about God from my little daughter.
I thought I would be teaching my daughter about God. I was wrong. She is the one teaching me.
Thank you, Jesus….
Edit: I should clarify that after several more tests, my dad does not have Lyme Disease. The doctor had even put him on medication for it, thinking that’s what it must be. But after more testing, the doctors came to the conclusion that it must be an unusual case of arthritis… So, just wanted to clarify that.