August 13, 2008

• … and He makes us beautiful

   

  [along with photo excepts of our last trip to PA - I'm still trying to play catchup from the past few months!]

  I was faced with a dose of something within the past few days that I hadn’t dealt with in a long time: inferiority. It was a huge thing to me as a teenager, but I thought I had grown some since then and it was a thing of the past. Not so, I discovered. The situation had nothing to do with how I was treated by other people, but suddenly I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone else. Satan was out with his Arrows. This was a bad attack.

  

  It had been a while since I felt that insignificant. Perhaps I had been relying on myself too much of late and God allowed me to experience a bit of actually being on my own, without feeling His needed security. If so, I repented before Him… And perhaps it was an attack of the Arrows.

  I think some of the most painful and believable attacks satan brings upon women are the lies that we have nothing to offer, we are not beautiful, we are not desireable, we are too much, we are not enough, we don’t measure up, we don’t have anything worthwhile to give to others, among many other things. These lies feel so real at times. But they are still just lies.

  

  Except from my journal following the situation:

  “I want to be so filled with You that “I” is not even thought of… So full of love for other people that I am not threatened by their beauty or creativity or by what they have to offer… So in tune with Your Spirit that I can sense when/if someone is hurting, and be able to care for them… So full of trust that I can be perfectly content with what You have chosen for me in life, not looking around in discontent and wanting someone else’s opportunities and gifts in life… So childlike that I can respond to You with perfect love, such faith, and utter joy, even as my precious daughter responds to me…

  

  “I want to be full of the Life You have meant for each child of God – to live in that freely… To be who You have created me to be: not who I think I should be or who someone else thinks I should be… To be real, honest, and vulnerable – with myself, my husband, my family, my friends…”

  

  Sometimes I feel the effects of a Broken World so much. So much that it is sometimes hard to remember that we are more than Broken. We are also Redeemed… and because we are made in the image of a Beautiful God, we are also Beautiful…

  

  I was reminded of that from Captiving,  by Eldredge…This didn’t talk about the exact thing I was feeling, but more generally to women.  And I was encouraged that even though we live in a fallen world, where we live daily with our own imperfections and the imperfections of others, we are still made in the image of God. An image that will one day [in Heaven] be perfect. But an image, that although imperfect now, still glorifies the God who created us…

  “Can there be any doubt that God wants to be sought after? The first and greatest of all commands is to love Him. To seek Him with all our heart. A woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. God longs to be desired. Just as a woman longs to be desired. this is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired. God feels the same way. Remember the story of Martha and Mary? Mary chose God, and Jesus said that was what He wanted…

  “Life changes dramatically when romance comes into our lives. Christianity changes dramatically when we discover that it, too, is a great romance. That God yearns to share a life of beauty, intimacy, and adventure with us. “I have loved you with an everlasting love” [Jer. 31:3]. This whole world was made for romance – the rivers and the glens, the meadows and the beaches. Flowers, music, a kiss. But we have a way of forgetting all that, losing ourselves in work and worry.

  “Eve – God’s message to the world in feminine form – invites us to romance. Through her, God makes romance a priority in the universe.

  “So God endows Woman with certain qualities that are essential to relationship, qualities that speak of God.

  “She is inviting. She is vulnerable. She is tender. She embodies mercy. She is also fierce and fiercely devoted. As the old saying goes, “Hell hath  no fury like a woman scorned.” That’s just how God acts when he isn’t chosen. “I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not share your affectionwith any other god!” A woman’s righteous jealousy speaks of the jealousy of God for us.

  “Tender and inviting, intimate and alluring, fiercely devoted. Oh yes, our God has a passionate, romantic heart. Just look at Eve…”

  This was a beautiful reminder to me… That we, despite our brokenness, are images of the God who created us. Beautiful images. How amazing that God can use something so broken and insignicant – and make us beautiful… Wow…

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  more pictures from PA trip…

  Ben’s family was planning to go to Pennsylvania the same weekend as us, so us ladies drove up early in the week to make the most of our time together! We had such a fun trip up there, talking and laughing and singing…

  One day all the Yoder clan got together at a park, and I took these train pictures of Zoe’ there…

  I loved the contrast of colors…

  

   

  

   

  

  Such lucious eyes she has…

  

  our little family…

  

  Daddy and his Sweetest One [as we call her]

  

  Zoe’ and her cousin Mariana. They’re only 4 months apart! So neat – they’ll be great friends one day! Right now they’re too little to know it.

   

  Also Zoe’s cousin, and Mariana’s sister, Josephine. Such a darling girlie…

  

  One thing about going on a trip like that and seeing so many people is that I don’t get all the pictures I’d like! Thus I feel bad for posting some pictures of people and not others… So – forgive me, you without a picture! We had a lovely time with everyone…

  Ben with Princess Esther and Princess Zoe’ at dinner at Mark & Ruth’s house

  

  The Little Princesses again

  

  My brothers do such an awesome job taking care of Zoe’. She adores them and loves to be with them! David is pulling Zoe’ in a little wagon I bought up there at a garage sale for $3!! Oh-la-la!

  

  

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  Tomorrow we embark on another trip. One that we are ridiculously excited about. My dad’s family’s annual Barkman Campout is this weekend! We have the grandest time you could ever imagine. And somehow, no running water, no electricity, cooking over an open fire, no fans to sleep with at night, all add to the experience of primitive camping! This is the Grand Reunion of all time, all seven brothers get together [we'll miss Aunt Sue and her family in Africa and El Salvador!] with spouses and children and great-grandchilden… There are cousins everywhere! Zoe’ is the first great-grandchild on both sides of my family, although there are cousins coming on the Barkman side, I’m happy to say!

  So I was busy baking and baking and baking today… Cookies and bars and bars and cookies. And my cookie baking skills definitely needed a rehabilitation course. I’m a little embaressed to admit it, but I haven’t baked cookies in months. Not sure why… But the first two pans turned out perfectly awful. And they were Ben’s favorite kind: Oatmeal Raisin. [Now, that is one thing I don't think I'll ever understand - his love of Oatmeal Raisin Cookies. I would choose Chocolate Chip, or White Chocolate Macadamia Nut, or Ginger Cookies with White Chocolate frosting, or... anything but Oatmeal Raisin]. When he came home from work and saw I was making them, he was almost giddy with excitement. So it was completely worth it to see the look of pure joy on his face. And to receive the lavish hugs and kisses he gave me for baking them. I think I should make them more often.

  Maybe next time they won’t be completely flattened on the cookie sheet. And maybe next time I’ll remember that  my brand new Pampered Chef baking sheets remain hotter than you can imagine for longer than you can imagine. And maybe next time I won’t be stopping every few minutes to nurse a new burn, or putting ice on a previous burn… 

  And we’re off to a Grand Hurrah! Have a lovely weekend, everyone!!

   

  • 10:37 am
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